Thinking...

The sun is shining and it warms my skin, even through this window that I am propped up on. The warmth is very hypnotic. I usually don't like the sun. It hurts my eyes and I DO NOT like being hot. I am happier person when it's cold and dreary outside, but right now the sun feels good. Since I have been working, I haven't seen much of the sun or the sky for that matter. There are many days where I drive to work shortly after sunrise and get home as the sun is setting. I drive to and from work in a zone. I am always going going going. I work in a basement appropriately named, "the dungeon". So, if I want to see the sky, I have to go outside and literally tip my head backwards. The tall buildings block it out. I'm not used to that. I'm used to being in the comforts and beauty of Daybreak, waking early and taking pictures of the HUGE sky and then sitting in amazement at the beauty that surrounds me. Until I moved west of the valley, I didn't know how incredible the sky was.

Lately, I have been focused on other things. Other things that perhaps in the big scheme of things, really don't matter.  Work has been challenging on many levels. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't confused about what I want. 

I love the challenge and the job. It really is fun.

I love the adult interaction. It's something I haven't had a ton of in the last 5 years.

I love the confidence that I have leading a great team and selling something that I love.

BUT, I'm tired, grumpy and when it comes right down to it, I never look up... For anything.  I am also struggling with just being me.  I am having to be someone else to fit in and I don't like it.  I don't think that pressure is coming from anyone but me, but it's there and constant.  I miss my friends too.  So much it hurts! 

I would be lying if I didn't say that I am conflicted between being at work and being with my family and friends. I don't know if it's working out the way I wanted it to. I'm not happy, at all. B and I have been fighting.... A lot! We don't fight. We just don't.  I also don't know why I am putting all of this out there.  It kind of bruises the pride a little to say that you are struggling, but that's ok.  I'm not worried about that at the moment.

My kids are happy, but I feel a complete disconnect from them and it hurts my heart. Right now, when they hug me, they hold on tight and 90% of the time I have to say, "I love you, but I have to go." And then I do. I can't be alone with my thoughts right now, so I plug in the head phones and crank up the volume and listen to music. It helps, but it is just delaying the inevitable. Thinking, and really deciding what I want and what I should do... I'm still thinking, questioning, wondering, but right at this moment, I am pretty sure the final decision has been made.... because...

(Picture found on pinterest)

10 years...

The last 10 years have been the ULTIMATE roller coaster ride.  We have had our ups, downs and all arounds, but there is NO ONE that I would rather spend it with that this man.

He is my best friend, lover, confidant, and my keeper.  He humbles me.  He supports me. He makes me laugh.  He loves me.  He created 3 amazing lives with me. AND, best of all, he is mine for all eternity.

Thank you, B.  You are my everything and so are these little crazy kiddos of ours! 

Happy 10 year Anniversary!
I LOVE YOU more than you will EVER know!

This week...

There are a lot of things that I love...

but being closer to this during the week,

 is just down right amazing! Ahhh... the memories of Litza's Pizza.

My sister and her husband showed up a little unexpected this week. She lives in New Orleans, LA. So imagine the surprise when she came to the door! The pictures speak for themselves.



 We love you Lauren and John!

Last but not least, I was in the Denver airport waiting to come home from my business trip, when a random lady walked up to me and handed me an American Flag. "Wave it please when the soldiers get off the plane. They are returning from 22 months in Afganastan. They are finally home."

(This is one of the soldiers, his dad held him for a good 15 minutes.)

YOU BET I'LL WAVE IT!

Well, I waved, clapped, cried and thanked them.  And not just me, but the ENTIRE airport terminal erupted in cheers, tears and clapping.  It was amazing.  I was a total boob as I stood there with tears literally streaming down my face.  I can't imagine what they go through and what they have seen.  But for that I am so thankful.

SO, Happy Memorial Day!

Run..

Last year at this time I was getting ready to run the Wasatch Back, aka... Ragnar with 2 of my favorite people.  So there we were, us and 3 other women, (2 of which we didn't know until the morning we started), all started off on an adventure that we would take us from Logan, UT to ummmm, I honestly don't remember, but I am pretty sure we were near the back side of Heber Valley in 24 hours.

AHHHH.... I LOVED that race, and HATED it and quite frankly will never forget certain things.  I am pretty sure that it was harder than my marathon.  I have NEVER been that sore, nor had I ever ran back to back to back in under 24 hours while sitting in a sticky smelly car in between.  I was the driver and that didn't help with not being able to stretch between runs.  When I say smelly car, I mean it.  Just imagine 6 woman, 24 hours, eating, sleeping, running, sweating, breathing, farting.... well you get the picture.  I am quite certain that my Tahoe has never been the same.

But, just writing this makes me wish we were there again.  Running our guts out, push our bodies to the limits and then doing it all over again.

1 year ago, I could run 14 miles at a time and be just fine.  It was thrilling.  I'm pretty sure if I went running right now, I would run 1 and want to die. Ok, I'll give myself the benefit of the doubt and say 2.

I haven't run since that race.  For no other reason than just pure laziness.  I have been lazy.  But, I miss running.  It is my therapy.  Everything disappears when I run.  I can think, talk, listen to music, pray, make decisions... what ever it may be that I do while I run, I come home feeling better, happier, healthier and stronger.

I want to run.

I will run.

I need to run.

Who wants to go with me?

Date night?!

Mara,
I would LOVE to go on a date night with you on Saturday!
Love,
Mom

The new me...

It's been awhile since I've visited my blog.  A lot has happened.  I'm pretty sure that my life has done a complete 360. 

Life isn't the same anymore.  It's not better, but it's not worse.

My new reality is just this:

I get up at 6am.

Shower.

Get dressed in big girl clothes.

Wake my kiddos up and give them as many kisses as they will let me.

The nanny arrives.  AND, she is wonderful!  An angel, really.

I kiss my sweet B and my kiddos again.  They get sick of it, but I don't.

I get in my car, plug in my head phones, turn the country music up as loud as it will go, and drive.

I haven't gotten used to the commute yet, but I'm finding my groove.

I stop at Starbucks and get a Grande Skinny Vanilla Roiboos Tea Latte.  It comforts me.

I make the rest of my commute, all of 2 minutes.  Drive in circles up the parking garage. 

I even have a favorite spot. 

I walk into my office, turn on my lamp and computer.  Sit down, take a VERY deep breath and start my day.

I have to be on.  Meaning...  Happy, excited, a leader.  It can be hard.  Really, really hard.

I love my sales team.  They are unique, fun, talented and I can't believe how much they have taught me.

I hope that I can teach them.

Each day is different between the hours of 8-5.

I'm pretty sure that's the main reason I like my job.  It's NEVER the same.

I turn off my computer, lamp and close my office door. 

Climb the stairs to my car, plug in my country music and drive in circles back down.

The commute coming home just plain old sucks.

I am usually home by 5:45.

I walk in my home, kiss my B and my kiddos, again more than they want.

Make dinner, sometimes.

And then I sit and relax with my family and kiss them some more.  We play, we watch movies, we laugh and we snuggle.

I have found a new me.

I am a full time working mom.

I am better for it. 

There are those out there who think that I am putting my kids in a bad place.  Not giving them a chance to be nourished and grow. 

Truth is, you couldn't be more wrong.  So, please don't judge.

You see, I am not working for the money, or the insurance, (ok, maybe for this one.)  I am not working to prove anything, or to get away.  I am not working because we can't afford our life.

I am working to show my kids, mainly my girls, that you can be strong, successful and independant and still raise a family that has values, strengths and happiness.

Do I miss being a full time mom?  Absolutely.  Do I miss my kids?  So much I can't describe.

Am I happy?  Yes.  Are they happy?  YES.

This opportunity came out of the blue.  I know it was for me, but I also believe it was for them.  I don't know how long I can keep up the pace, but I will get up everyday and try with all my might and stregth..  I will get up and prove to my kids that I am strong and I love them so much.

Right now, the time that I have with my kids is precious. 

It's happy and when mom gets home from work, we go out and rule the world!

Nachos...

While in the shower a couple of days ago, I heard screaming coming from the kitchen.  Not the usual screaming.  (you know, the kind where the kids are fighting and yelling at each other.)  A new scream.  One of pure fright!  Mara came running into the bathroom yelling, "It blew up!  There is glass everywhere!  I didn't know what to do!  Help mom!!! It exploded!"

There I was... Frantic, but trying to remain calm.  Naked, yes naked, I ran into the kitchen and this is what I found.

So, lesson learned.  DON'T EVER cook nachos for 13 minutes! The glass plate will explode when you open the door!