Thinking...

The sun is shining and it warms my skin, even through this window that I am propped up on. The warmth is very hypnotic. I usually don't like the sun. It hurts my eyes and I DO NOT like being hot. I am happier person when it's cold and dreary outside, but right now the sun feels good. Since I have been working, I haven't seen much of the sun or the sky for that matter. There are many days where I drive to work shortly after sunrise and get home as the sun is setting. I drive to and from work in a zone. I am always going going going. I work in a basement appropriately named, "the dungeon". So, if I want to see the sky, I have to go outside and literally tip my head backwards. The tall buildings block it out. I'm not used to that. I'm used to being in the comforts and beauty of Daybreak, waking early and taking pictures of the HUGE sky and then sitting in amazement at the beauty that surrounds me. Until I moved west of the valley, I didn't know how incredible the sky was.

Lately, I have been focused on other things. Other things that perhaps in the big scheme of things, really don't matter.  Work has been challenging on many levels. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't confused about what I want. 

I love the challenge and the job. It really is fun.

I love the adult interaction. It's something I haven't had a ton of in the last 5 years.

I love the confidence that I have leading a great team and selling something that I love.

BUT, I'm tired, grumpy and when it comes right down to it, I never look up... For anything.  I am also struggling with just being me.  I am having to be someone else to fit in and I don't like it.  I don't think that pressure is coming from anyone but me, but it's there and constant.  I miss my friends too.  So much it hurts! 

I would be lying if I didn't say that I am conflicted between being at work and being with my family and friends. I don't know if it's working out the way I wanted it to. I'm not happy, at all. B and I have been fighting.... A lot! We don't fight. We just don't.  I also don't know why I am putting all of this out there.  It kind of bruises the pride a little to say that you are struggling, but that's ok.  I'm not worried about that at the moment.

My kids are happy, but I feel a complete disconnect from them and it hurts my heart. Right now, when they hug me, they hold on tight and 90% of the time I have to say, "I love you, but I have to go." And then I do. I can't be alone with my thoughts right now, so I plug in the head phones and crank up the volume and listen to music. It helps, but it is just delaying the inevitable. Thinking, and really deciding what I want and what I should do... I'm still thinking, questioning, wondering, but right at this moment, I am pretty sure the final decision has been made.... because...

(Picture found on pinterest)