The way I see it... A response to Anne

Last night I attended LDS Women's Conference at our stake center.  Let me first let you know that I did not want to be there.  At all. Actually I kinda had no business being there... or so I thought.  The night before (Friday night), I had a mental, physical and emotional break down.  Like crazy, out of control, screaming, throwing crap, telling everyone I hated them, didn't want to be a mom because I pretty sure that I am screwing all that up too, world coming to an end kinda stuff. It was EPIC.  I said and did things that I wish now I could take back.  I feel like all the emotions that I have been holding in over the last 3 months of my life all came spilling out in one over the top mental breakdown.  You name the emotion and I have felt it over the last couple of months.  Anger, fear, resentment, happiness, miracles, more fear, more resentment.... ugh,  In short, its been absolutely exhausting.  Its been too long since I have blogged last, but if you follow my FB or insta you can kinda get the idea of why I went mental on everyone, not that its justified.  With my husband being so sick, I have felt very alone. Like really alone.  I have isolated myself from family, friends and church.   I was angry at our ward leaders for not reaching out to our family when we needed it more than anything.  Since I thought I was being abandoned by them, I for sure thought I was being abandoned by God too.   I was angry at God for being forgotten.  No one forgot me, it was me and my thoughts. I was angry at my husband for being so sick, (See, I told you. I suck right now.) I was angry at my kids for always fighting....  I was angry at the world.  So, I left Friday night and almost checked myself into a hotel to just escape any and all responsibility that I have. Sometimes as a wife and a mother, responsibility just plain old sucks!

As I was taking my pity party elsewhere, I received a phone call from my sweet 7 year old, Anna.  I saw the phone said, "home" and I did NOT want to answer.  I wanted to wallow a little bit more.  But as I answered the phone call, my sweet Anna said to me, "Mommy, please come home.  This is where you are meant to be.  We can all help each other through all of this craziness.  That's why we have each other.  To help each other through the bad things in life.  If you leave, our family is very empty."  I started to cry even more.  I love this sweet angel of mine who always knows what to say.  (I'm pretty sure she is an old soul stuck in a child's body.)  I hope one day I can be as wise as her.

I went home that night.  I hugged my children.  Told them how much I loved them and said I was sorry from the bottom of my heart.  I hugged my husband and asked for forgiveness and then I prayed for forgiveness and then strength to overcome my angry and bitter heart.  

Anne, I am pretty sure that we were not the only ones that didn't want to be there.  I am pretty sure that we all feel very alone sometimes in different stages of life. The Savior gave us an organized way of carrying out his work.  Without which I am convinced that we would not be able to mourn with those who mourn, comfort those who stand in need of comforting and help our families return to Him.  Each of us has a part to play in the grand plan.  God's plan in a plan of love, but also a plan of order.  If there was no order, there would be no plan.  I see this daily in my life with my family. There needs to be order, or we go astray.   The message to me last night was loud, clear and very simple.  We all have a part in a mortal family and a heavenly family.  Our families will help us achieve our highest eternal goals. "God gave us a family so we could be what he wants us to be." Our church allows us to renew sacred covenants weekly.  Believe me when I say, I wish I could just go on with my personal relationship with God and be OK, but I can't.  I need to learn.  I need to learn from those that have been where I am at and where I am going and then just maybe I can be that for someone else.  Thank heaven for the sacrament, without it I would be a mess.  Don't over think the beautiful words or messages from last night.  There were some that drove me crazy.  It can be hard to have someone get up and tell me what to do when they have not experienced one of my trials. Actually it kinds seemed like she hasn't had any trials by the way she listed it, but her trials are not my trials. (BTW, that talk bugged me, but that's ok too.)   Some of those words, may have been an answer to a pray to a sister who needed to hear just that.  Pray for peace, pray for faith... for faith will triumph over our doubts.  Hold onto any light you may have and then reach out to those around you that may need their lights to shine a little brighter even if that just in your family. Search for what you need and don't worry about what you don't.  When I felt alone this past month, I would receive a simple text from a friend or ward sister and that would let me know that someone was thinking of me.  You don't need to give a grand dinner, spend money or worry that your visiting will bug someone.  I would have given a lot to have someone just send a text or say hello.  It's just that simple and how lucky are we that we have an extended ward family to be able to think and pray for us.  I think you are incredibly beautiful inside and out.  I love that you spill your heart.  Most women in our faith will not ever do that and it's unfortunate because not one of us is THAT strong or needs to be that strong. Many times your blog and your writing have been a small answer to my prayers, so maybe that is your calling on how you can help others.  Your real honesty and courage to say things is rare and the world needs more of it.   The Savior is your center, He always has been and I admire you for that. You inspire me and I hope that telling you just a tiny bit of my weaknesses this past week will help you realize that you are NEVER alone.  Ever.
Love you darling Anne.

Today's thoughts...

I am in Tucson. 2 weeks ago my sweet and incredible uncle Mike died while vacationing in Lima, Peru with his wife. Without going into a ton of detail, he died in the night of an enlarged heart. It took too long to get him home. It was traumatic for all involved. While I have been down here with all of his kids, 8 of them to be exact, I have been reflecting on a lot of things. 

First, it was the first time in a long time that I have been with my mom, dad and sister together. I have seen them all seperately, but it's been a very long time since we have all been under the same roof. It was wonderful. I miss them. 

Second, it has been way too long since I have seen my cousins and it was good to see all of them and where their lives have taken them. They are amazing people! 

Third, I'm grateful for my savior Jesus Christ who is the perfect example for me. I found myself during this week thanking my Heavenly Father for all that I am and all that I have. Most important, my family. I miss my kiddos and my hubby. But it was good to see the rest of my family and spend incredible moments with them reflecting on the life of my uncle. He truly was an incredible man. I am grateful for the knowledge of the atonement and of eternal families. I know for a fact, this life is not the end. We will be together again and I am so grateful for that knowledge. 

Uncle Mike has a Purple Heart from his service in the Vietnam war. We just learned not too long ago that he was a sniper there. I could go on all day with stories about him. 

We launched beautiful floating laterns, think Tangled, in his memory. We all stood on a beautiful patio overlooking amazing mountains and watched them drift into heaven. It was perfect. 

He was brave. He was strong and a true disciple of Christ. Thank you Uncle Mike for all of the memories. Rest in Peace.

Braces...

Someone is getting braces today. And they won't come off until she is in junior high. Needless to say, I'm a little freaked out. Kind of wondering where the time went and how on earth do I have a kid old enough for braces! 

NYC...

Mara and I are on our way to NYC to meet up with my mom, aka gramma Cindy. Can't wait for this very much needed time with my sweet Mara. 

Huge thanks to my sweet hubby for holding  the fort down! 

The little things...

When you're a mom, sometimes it's the little things that keep you going. Alone time with my mormon coffee (aka Pero with Girl Scout cookie coffeemate!) and The Avengers while the kids are out playing. It will end soon, so I'm soaking as much RD Jr in as much as I can! 😊

And... It's over! Let the chaos commence.

This weekend...

This weekend has given me so many different emotions along with so many experiences. I won't got into detail of the bad times that I experienced this week, because truly I am still trying to figure all of that out. I will however, talk about last night. Saturday. 

Weeks ago when I was in relief society, they announced that the upcoming Women's General Reilef Society meeting would included all girls and women ages 8 and up. At first I didn't think much of it, but as the weeks went on I started thinking about how that day could be a time where I could be with my daughter Mara at a very historic event in our church.  I never really thought about it before because my girls were going to have to be 18 before we could attend that meeting together. 

What a meeting it was! Best women's conference I have ever been too/ seen. Sister Wixoms talk was incredible and it's inclusion of the young girls brought tears to my eyes and happiness and peace to my soul. Mara took 6 pages of notes in her journal and seemed to be soaking it all in. Looking at my notes and then looking at me smiling. Messages of love, examples, becoming a better person, etc.  I watched the young girls that I was surrounded by and saw in their faces love for their mothers, sisters, grandmothers and friends. That moment hit me like a ton of bricks. What an incredible time to be a part of our Savior's church. To look down at my side and see my daughter writing as quickly as possible so that she could cling to all that was said. The peace and love that I have for her and my family came over sweeping over me in a way that I had never experienced and did not expect. This night will be one that I will remember forever. A small gift from my Heavenly Father during a time when I truly needed it the most. The eternal perspective. The love of my family and the hope for the future. I love my church. I love my Savior Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. I am grateful for the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. Grateful for the amazing women that are examples to me of love and friendship. Grateful to live in a time where I can be sealed to my family and keep them with me forever. Grateful to have the temple so close to my home. I'm just plain grateful and am almost giddy with excitement of the upcoming general conference. My heart is truly full. 

And then last but not least, grateful that we got to laugh all night long with dear friends and devoured yummy chocolate cazookies! 

My first game...

My William is completely obsessed with soccer. Very specifically international soccer. He knows names of players, their teams, jerseys, colors, shoes... You name it, he knows it all.  He thinks Lionel Messi is the most amazing person and truth be told, in the soccer world, he is. Every day I have to peel Williams Messi jersey and shoes from his body. They may soon walk on their own he wears them so much. I have to admit that his obsession has become a family affair. We all watch them. All of them.

I LOVE watching the games. I do. They are thrilling and just enough out of control to get your heart racing and yelling at the screen. 

So, Brandon got William season tickets to RSL for Christmas. He was so excited he could hardly contain his little self. Asking daily when the schedule would be posted. When time came for the game, he asked if I would go with him! Ummmm... YES please! So on Saturday, I attended my first MLS game. Can I just say, I loved it! I had so much fun with my little man! I love his enthusiasm and love for the game! I love being with him and having one on one time. I love the game and singing and hanging constantly. So, my first game will not be my last! I am hooked... To both my son and his love for soccer.