The way I see it... A response to Anne

Last night I attended LDS Women's Conference at our stake center.  Let me first let you know that I did not want to be there.  At all. Actually I kinda had no business being there... or so I thought.  The night before (Friday night), I had a mental, physical and emotional break down.  Like crazy, out of control, screaming, throwing crap, telling everyone I hated them, didn't want to be a mom because I pretty sure that I am screwing all that up too, world coming to an end kinda stuff. It was EPIC.  I said and did things that I wish now I could take back.  I feel like all the emotions that I have been holding in over the last 3 months of my life all came spilling out in one over the top mental breakdown.  You name the emotion and I have felt it over the last couple of months.  Anger, fear, resentment, happiness, miracles, more fear, more resentment.... ugh,  In short, its been absolutely exhausting.  Its been too long since I have blogged last, but if you follow my FB or insta you can kinda get the idea of why I went mental on everyone, not that its justified.  With my husband being so sick, I have felt very alone. Like really alone.  I have isolated myself from family, friends and church.   I was angry at our ward leaders for not reaching out to our family when we needed it more than anything.  Since I thought I was being abandoned by them, I for sure thought I was being abandoned by God too.   I was angry at God for being forgotten.  No one forgot me, it was me and my thoughts. I was angry at my husband for being so sick, (See, I told you. I suck right now.) I was angry at my kids for always fighting....  I was angry at the world.  So, I left Friday night and almost checked myself into a hotel to just escape any and all responsibility that I have. Sometimes as a wife and a mother, responsibility just plain old sucks!

As I was taking my pity party elsewhere, I received a phone call from my sweet 7 year old, Anna.  I saw the phone said, "home" and I did NOT want to answer.  I wanted to wallow a little bit more.  But as I answered the phone call, my sweet Anna said to me, "Mommy, please come home.  This is where you are meant to be.  We can all help each other through all of this craziness.  That's why we have each other.  To help each other through the bad things in life.  If you leave, our family is very empty."  I started to cry even more.  I love this sweet angel of mine who always knows what to say.  (I'm pretty sure she is an old soul stuck in a child's body.)  I hope one day I can be as wise as her.

I went home that night.  I hugged my children.  Told them how much I loved them and said I was sorry from the bottom of my heart.  I hugged my husband and asked for forgiveness and then I prayed for forgiveness and then strength to overcome my angry and bitter heart.  

Anne, I am pretty sure that we were not the only ones that didn't want to be there.  I am pretty sure that we all feel very alone sometimes in different stages of life. The Savior gave us an organized way of carrying out his work.  Without which I am convinced that we would not be able to mourn with those who mourn, comfort those who stand in need of comforting and help our families return to Him.  Each of us has a part to play in the grand plan.  God's plan in a plan of love, but also a plan of order.  If there was no order, there would be no plan.  I see this daily in my life with my family. There needs to be order, or we go astray.   The message to me last night was loud, clear and very simple.  We all have a part in a mortal family and a heavenly family.  Our families will help us achieve our highest eternal goals. "God gave us a family so we could be what he wants us to be." Our church allows us to renew sacred covenants weekly.  Believe me when I say, I wish I could just go on with my personal relationship with God and be OK, but I can't.  I need to learn.  I need to learn from those that have been where I am at and where I am going and then just maybe I can be that for someone else.  Thank heaven for the sacrament, without it I would be a mess.  Don't over think the beautiful words or messages from last night.  There were some that drove me crazy.  It can be hard to have someone get up and tell me what to do when they have not experienced one of my trials. Actually it kinds seemed like she hasn't had any trials by the way she listed it, but her trials are not my trials. (BTW, that talk bugged me, but that's ok too.)   Some of those words, may have been an answer to a pray to a sister who needed to hear just that.  Pray for peace, pray for faith... for faith will triumph over our doubts.  Hold onto any light you may have and then reach out to those around you that may need their lights to shine a little brighter even if that just in your family. Search for what you need and don't worry about what you don't.  When I felt alone this past month, I would receive a simple text from a friend or ward sister and that would let me know that someone was thinking of me.  You don't need to give a grand dinner, spend money or worry that your visiting will bug someone.  I would have given a lot to have someone just send a text or say hello.  It's just that simple and how lucky are we that we have an extended ward family to be able to think and pray for us.  I think you are incredibly beautiful inside and out.  I love that you spill your heart.  Most women in our faith will not ever do that and it's unfortunate because not one of us is THAT strong or needs to be that strong. Many times your blog and your writing have been a small answer to my prayers, so maybe that is your calling on how you can help others.  Your real honesty and courage to say things is rare and the world needs more of it.   The Savior is your center, He always has been and I admire you for that. You inspire me and I hope that telling you just a tiny bit of my weaknesses this past week will help you realize that you are NEVER alone.  Ever.
Love you darling Anne.