I wish I could tell you...

I woke up sick.
B is in San Diego.
I have to do laundry.
And... I have a problem.

I truly wish that I could write down what is really bothering me today. 
Its too private. 
It would feel oh so wonderful to write it down or talk about it. 
Maybe I'll do that and then erase it. 
$%@#%!@%@%&#**$
Nope, didn't work. 
Blogging for me is free therapy. So glad that I don't have to pay you to listen!
Just not the deep stuff. 
Why not?  
It's nothing too interesting.  Same stuff that a lot of people go through. 
I just can't bring myself to write about it. 
Maybe I'm ashamed? 
No. 
Embarassed? 
No. 
Prideful? 
Maybe.
Scared?
YES.
There are a lot of questions to be answered.
Today, I'm hoping to find those answers.
Good thing is..
IT'S SNOWING!

That's how every Sunday should be...

I was speechless today.  Sacrament meeting was breathtaking in more ways than I can describe. You had to be there to realize the power of the spirit that was present.  So what I am about to write will not do the moment justice.  I will try only because I want to remember how I felt and the answers that I received through the message of someone that I don't even know.

I truly I had every intention of NOT going to church today. It's true.  I have been struggling with things lately.  I have been praying for help and have not gotten answers, yet. So, let's just say, I wanted to take the day off, play a little hookie. Feel sorry for myself and go into denial. blah blah blah... I was so tired this morning, I couldn't even get out of bed.  I pushed my snooze button 5 times.  As I layed in bed, I kept telling myself how comfortable I was and how it would be fun to just wake up, make pancakes and just hang out with my family.  Sounds good, huh?! 
Then I remembered last week that someone said, we didn't want to miss next weeks Sacrament Meeting.  It would be special and here is why... A choir group called the Sterling Singers were going to perfrom.  (This is what I got from someone who described them to me, so I apolgize if I don't tell the story just right.) 
The Sterling Singers are a group of people that got together in the early 90's after all of the public schools were required to remove the word God from songs, etc.  The people who joined the choir came from all denominations and all walks of life. All with the common goal of wanting to praise our Savior in song for all to hear.

After remembering that they would be there, it got me right out of bed.  I looked at the clock and realized that I had 4 people including myself to get ready in less than an hour. UGH! Long story short,we pulled it off.  Our morning was seamlessly perfect.  I didn't get a shower, but we were ready and my kids were happy!  Sunday mornings are usually horribly painful over here! 
So instead of laying in bed, although arguably it would have been comfortable, and I do believe that my body could have used a couple more hours of sleep, I got answers to my prayers in more ways than I could have dreamed.  I walked away full of hope and faith.
I also got a morning was it filled with angelic music (I truly believe Angels were present today) and strong testimonies of our Savior Jesus Christ.  The music was filled with songs like The King of Love My Shepard is Jesus, Once of Humble Birth, When I Survey the Wonderous Cross, How Beautiful and in closing Love Divine All Loves Excelling.  I had heard some of these songs before, but I have never listened as I did today.  Words of promise and the power of the Atonement.  If only we will come unto Him, he will carry us and protect us.

The choir director, Kelly Dehaan spoke of a time in which he was so full of anger. Anger that he could not control and didn't know why he had it.   I could relate immediately.  Anger has been controlling me lately.  I have so much inside of me and I don't know why.  I am extremely embarrassed to admit this.  I am not proud of my actions lately.  Anger is horribly toxic and I hate myself when I lose my temper.  I feel ugly and tainted.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed some more for this to go away from me.  I have gone to the temple and then prayed some more.  Although I have felt better in some aspects, I am still a walking time bomb.  One without a timer. I have been asking and expecting it to just be taken from me!  I didn't even think, that I would have to pull my own weight on this.

So my answer today was...
All things are possible, if we just have faith, but we have to be willing to do our part. The Atonement is real.  It is for real people with real problems.  It is for anybody and everybody who will accept it and act upon it.  It is through Him, that we can be healed from our sins and our weaknesses.  I am so grateful for the love that I have for my Savior.  For the first time in my life, I am not afraid to admit that I have faults. Many, actually. I am grateful that there is someone else out there that has struggled with what I am dealing with.  So much so, he can testifyed to me that I can change, because he did.  How we face our problems defines us.  It builds character and esteem.  It moves us closer to the end goal of where we should be.  I have been far from this place for the last couple of weeks. Today brought me back in more ways than I can describe.  It brought me back to what I already know and perhaps take for granted.  I am truly thankful for this morning.  I am truly thankful to those who dedicate their time to sing of Him.  I am thankful that it doesn't matter where you come from, just as long as you take Him with you.

Lesson learned, I hope...

See this small and insignificant toy?

This is the first and hopefully last thing that William stole.

He took it from my sister in laws house and about 2 hours after we left her house, he showed it to me.

Knowing his recent obsession with Star Wars, I knew he had been wanting this Anakin Lego, BUT we didn't have it yet.

Thus, the conversation went like this...

Will: "Mom! Look at what dad bought me!"

Me: (Knowing it was not his...) " Wow! That looks special. When did he buy it for you?"

Will: "Today!"

Me: " Hmmmm... Are you sure, William? Daddy has been at work since 6 o'clock this morning.

Will: " He came home and left really fast."

LONG story short and a lot of tears later...

I caught him not only lying, but stealing too.

So, we called Aunt Whitney and drove back to her house where William had to apologize and give it back.

He later told me he was really sorry.  It just looked like so much fun.

It was really hard on him, but hopefully, lesson is learned.

Hug O War...

Drama has been overflowing here at the Elggren home! All I hear is arguing, screaming, hitting and fighting and then 2 minutes later are all playing happily. At least for the moment.

 ENOUGH of the crazies!

Because theres's been more tugging instead of hugging, we had a HUG O' WAR for FHE.

Just do what it says and serve strawberry flavored rice krispie treats and there will be Hugs and Smiles everywhere! 

Thanks Shel Silverstein!

I'll admit it... Will you?

Yep that's right!  I watch the Bachelor!  Have from season 1. And guess what?!

I LOVE every dramatic dirty little minute of it!

 Pathetic I know, BUT I know I'm not alone!

Admit it! 

You watch it or something close too it. Yes, I know you do and it would be good for you to admit it!  I mean who doesn't want to escape their own life and jump straight into someone else's problems for a little while.  It's good therapy... well until you see the girls in bikinis and you realize your sitting on the couch eating chocolate.  Sigh...

But here's to my love of  reality TV or as we call it in our home, SMUT TV.  I mean really, where do they get these people?

Aww... but the truth is, I get so emotionally invested that I actually think that I CARE about who he is going to pick.... as if it really matters.. do they really find true love?  I don't care, or do I?

Anywho!

Who is Brad going to pick tonight?! Chantel or Emily?!?!?!

My vote goes to Emily! (For those who don't know... Emily is the blonde.)

We'll see tonight!  YAY!!! I'm so excited!!

Breaking my heart...

Over the last week or so, my heart has been breaking for my little 7 year old, Mara. She is facing things at school that I NEVER thought we would be dealing with in 1st grade.

I know that every kid deals with being teased at some point, but it happens to her on a daily basis.

Each morning when I do her hair, she cries to have me pull it back into a ponytail, because there are kids that tell her she is so ugly, she should just shave her head. So a ponytail is what we do to make her feel better, at least for the moment.

She is so consumed by what she wears, that it turns into a fight every morning before school. Her clothes "cannot make her look fat", and this includes her winter coat. A couple of weeks ago, I had found a darling dress at Walmart. Now let me be the first to say that I am not a fan of Walmart. I will go everywhere else, before I go there. BUT this dress was sooooo cute! I suggested that she wear it and she lost it. "It is from Walmart and you are making me look poor!" WHAT?! How does she know what that even means?!

From all of this, her anger has come out in ways I never thought! She has daily meltdowns that are so heartbreaking and intense for her that she literally will fall asleep afterwards because they take so much out of her. She screams and yells and throws her self on the ground. She tells me ' she is nothing and doesn't matter.'

I am heartbroken beyond belief. I cannot believe that kids can be so mean. But most important, I can't believe that she believes them! We have told her from the day she was born that she is beautiful both inside and out. Even at her age, she has been a rock for me to lean on and learn from. She is my baby! She is my life!

Part of me wants to shelter her from the cruel world, but that's just not realistic. I wish that I could just tell her that she is amazing, beautiful and unique and then I wish she would believe me. But right now, it's easier for her to believe kids than her mom and dad.

Today, I drove her to school with tears in my eyes as I watched her walk away looking deafeated before she even arrived. Her head hanging low.  No mother should have to watch that..

I will NOT put up with this! My daughter is beautiful in everyway possible. She is mine and I will fight for her! She deserves better. Everyone does! I WILL get to the bottom of this!

They consume me...

I have always loved reading, just never really took the time to do it.  There's probably a good reason for that.  Once I start a good book, nothing else matters, including my, should I say it?  My kids!  I know, books consume me!  

BUT, there is nothing that I love more than being swept away in a fantasy world, turning the pages as fast as I can devour them and ending with tears or a very full heart! ( I also love that it takes me from my daily duties of laundry, dishes, vaccuming, etc....) 

That is what the book "The Help"  did for me and LOVED it! I was hooked from the first page!

 Now I am attempting "Jane Eyre" and so far so good! I truly think that I was mistakenly born into the wrong era and should have lived in these times. Seems so romantically thrilling!

  I also have started "The Glass Castle".  I have to say, that I am totally consumed, but I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing!  I will just have to finish it and then I'll let you know!