Has this ever happened to you?

It's no secret that the last couple of months have been extremely hard on our family. Well, probably more than any of you actually realize. I can keep secrets and it's a LONG story! :)

After Brandon's last seizure (December 2009), our little world went spinning down, down, down! I felt a lot like Alice in Wonderland, but I was not in Wonderland. I was in a horrible deep awful place. A place even your nightmares can't take you, because unlike dreams or nightmares, this place is REAL. A place without sunshine, joy, or beauty. My head, heart and spirit kept telling me I had been abandoned from anything that would give me hope or happiness. In my head, I was a horrible person, mother, wife and friend. I belonged here, or so I thought.

I woke up one morning and looked in the mirror and for a brief moment was frightened. I had no idea who I was starring at. Who was this person looking back at me? She looked somewhat familiar, but barely resembled what I had expected to see. From that morning on, I did not want to see that person again. Scared and terrified, I immediately went into hiding. If I didn't look for this person, she wouldn't find me? Right?! No, this awful person has many faces and I was soon visited by the horrible faces of anxiety and depression. I don't like them. Not at all.

Days and weeks went on and I carried on thinking that I was hiding really well. I put on a pretty good show, at least I thought. I'm pretty sure I won't win an Oscar. (Denial is a safe place to be, but unfortunately, misery comes side by side denial. ) As each summer day went on, I realized that my hiding place had also taken me away from feeling the sun, light, color. I couldn't see! I was in a fog (which ironically, I LOVE fog) that I couldn't get out of. It was real. Oh so real. I would put my glasses on and I STILL couldn't see one step in front of me. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't even do that. I was overcome by numbness. Everything numb. It was as if someone had reached up and turned off my switch. Just like that, darkness!

Well, (long story, that I may get the guts up to tell someday) it once again took my beautiful little angels that were sent to me from my Heavenly Father to find me. They opened the window so I could once again feel the breeze and smell the zest in life and LOVE, CRY, LAUGH and count my blessings. I wasn't alone. I never was and NEVER will be. My Father in Heaven has paved a way for me to always have Him and my family and that is all that matters.

I know this all sounds so silly and really one day when I am ready, I will tell the ENTIRE story. I am blessed and I know this. Oh, how I know this. I have in my grasp all that is needed to escape that horrible awful place. I never want to be there again.

If you can answer yes, to the question "Has this ever happened to you?I want you to know that you really are not alone. Find the window, find your love and find God. He is there and with all of these tools, you will always see light, color and feel joy. Except on an occasional rainy or snowy day. BUT, I'll take THAT darkness ANYTIME!