Forgive me if this post seems all over the place.... There is a ton on my mind! :)
Mara went to bed mad at me last night. Right after dinner she and Anna were making fun of William's stinky feet. Ok, so his feet DID stink. Yours would too if you had just played soccer for 3 hours! Well, the taunting and making him feel bad just kept going.... for 20+ minutes. Each time, I would tell the girls to stop, but they were in a goofy mood and just kept going. To the point where Anna got up from the table and said, "I can't take it anymore! I can't' sit by you!" Well as you can imagine, it put William over the edge. Broke his heart and he ran from the dinner table and hid under a blanket.
Now I know that this is a normal sibling issue, but I lost it and got mad at both of the girls. They just wouldn't stop. Then Mara starting yelling, I started yelling, Anna started yelling and William was still hiding under his blanket of protection crying. After yelling back and forth, Mara stormed off. I told her goodnight and to go to her room and go to bed. It was 7:30PM. Well, after about 20 minutes, I went to check on her to make sure that she had cooled down so we could talk and she was sound asleep, lights off and tucked in. She had fallen asleep before I could talk to her and give her a hug. It darn near ripped my heart out. She fell asleep and the last thing I did was yell at her. I broke one of our family rules! You don't go to bed angry. Nothing good can come from it. Well, just like usual, sleep cured the angry heart. We talked it out and hugged this morning. It felt better. Well, kind of.
As a mom, I HATE playing the bad guy and I feel like I have had to do that a lot lately. My kids have been at each others throats and I find myself lost in the middle trying really hard not to take sides, lose my cool and just meltdown. I have noticed that I yell a lot! I mean, A LOT! I hesitate even admitting this, but it's true. I wouldn't want to be around me... who would?
My mind starting playing games with me as I laid awake in bed last night thinking of the evening. One of the biggest things that I thought of was the influence that my children have once they step outside of our home. Of course there is good. But our children are growing up fast and everything around them is moving faster. They are part of the information era. Anything is available at the touch of a button. Most of which is negative. The last thing that my kids need is more negativity. Our home should be a protection and safe haven from negative experiences. I have been trying so hard to make sure that everything is perfect. Perfect kids who speak perfectly to one another. Perfect dinners, perfect home, perfect scripture study, perfect experiences for everyone, perfect clothes perfect paint on the walls.... you get the idea. I have been trying so hard to make sure that everything is perfect that I lost sight of what I already is that way. Perfectly wonderful kids who are perfect to me. A wonderfully perfect husband who is there for me no matter what. I perfect mess inside my non perfect home. A perfect gospel to raise my children with. Perfect knowledge of my Savior, who was perfect. So perfect, that he knew I would not be...
We have some new rules in our home, effective immediately.
1.No yelling
2. Remember to breathe
3. Be yourself
4. Emotions are wonderful and should be expressed, but not in the form of yelling or hurting others.
5. Love deeply
6. Laugh a lot!
I am done with negativity and trying so hard to be what I am not. I want my kids to know that I love them more that they can imagine and although our life is not perfect, our family is perfect and that to me is pure perfection.
